Jan 27 2005
Men could learn much from animal counterparts

By with Lawrence Woodall
Mammals live and roam freely in the wilderness, intent in their environment.
There is no written law for the animals to follow. It is the law of nature; there is no black and white, there is no absolute.
Both sexes have similar life expectancies in the wilderness unlike the human species. Males of the human species still have a lower age of mortality versus our female counterparts, living on average five fewer years.
Why does this anomaly exist between us and our wild cousins?
Stress levels. Males of our species are definitely under more stress than our female counterparts. Obviously this column is taken from a male perspective, so for you feminists or man-hating females, just insert male for female.
Let's start with the obvious, why has man bought into "till death do us part?" No other species makes such a commitment. They're happy, free-wheeling bachelors doing what they want. There are no zealous religious leaders condemning you to the cavernous hot coals of Hades, if we break our vows. Why homosexual couples want a piece of this pie is perplexing.
Of course you have our political leaders waging in on the battle of same sex marriage, P.M. Martin, threatening another federal election over this issue if it is voted down. Ooop!
There's another spike in the blood pressure, and let's not forget Conservative leader Harper saying, "What's next? Polygamy?" That truly is a stressful thought.
One wife is more than enough, I can't imagine any sane male wanting more. Good grief, such individuals should be awarded a medal of honour. In the state of Utah alone there are an estimated 50,000 polygamists. Poor guys, is that five years of their life expectancy per wife?
As males of our species we have so much to learn from our wild bachelor cousins.
There's another reason that a bull moose and boar bears are smarter than their human counterparts. They don't have mothers-in-law, a major source of stress. Ottawa needs to protect husbands against mother-in-laws. Laws need to be implemented.
Of course, wives out there are saying their husbands love their mother-in-laws. It's a front, gals.
Get a bunch of guys together without their wives it's a tear-jerker.
Excessive stress is caused by mothers-in-law under 5'5" and weigh less than a sack of curd. It's the female version of Napoleon.
And why do wives tell their mothers everything you do?
So the beast has more ammo. It's a female conspiracy, another massive spike in the blood pressure.
To top it off is a layer of massive coronary nagging about cutting the lawn, washing the windows, or painting the house, like men have nothing better to do.
Our wild male counterparts can do as they wish wandering about in peaceful bliss.
What's with this whole toilet seat issue?
You would think nuclear war was at stake, well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Why can't females push back the driver's seat?
We can only learn from our brothers of the wilderness, for men to have equal footing with the opposite gender in life expectancy. We must free ourselves from the proverbial ball and chain.
Lawrence Woodall is a longtime naturalist who lives in Port Hardy.

© Copyright 2007 North Island Gazette